Sunday, 7 December 2014

Making Rambles

I find myself thinking a lot at this time of year about family and the fact that we can't choose them.  This Christmas it will be 2 years since I have had a conversation with my mom's immediate family.  I chose to remove the negative from my life because it was causing me to go down a depression rabbit hole but it doesn't mean I don't care.  I care too much because I do feel the loss.  This rift has also been an underlying cause for me not to visit my mom as I don't want to run into them and deal with the drama that will ensue.  I have tried to reach out a couple of times without success and think it's time to stop trying.  It seems that not having me around is of no consequence to them and while I have always felt it, this sets it in stone.  This year while I make merry with my loved ones I will miss my mom as I always do but I will stop feeling guilty.   It won't be easy as even thinking of this turmoil makes me cry but it's my goal for the new year.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

The death of Robin Williams

This week we learned of Robin William's passing.  He committed suicide.  For anyone who has suffered from depression understands his battle, we don't know it as it was his battle but we understand it.

I have been affected by his suicide as I have been at that point where I thought about death and dying.  I have dreamt about killing myself and have had intrusive thoughts that haunted me 24 hours a day when I was in the worst throws of my major depressive episode.  This week I have been emotional and as I watched Mrs. Doubtfire yesterday I saw a truly talented man who made many people laugh, cry and everything in between. 

There are many out there that do not understand what depression is and think it's selfish.  It's not.  Let me just tell those people that until you are in the depths of your own hell and your logic tells you that the world is better without you in it, then you don't know what the f*&k you're talking about.

Some have said that a depressed person only needs faith and while I don't disparage anyone their religion that is not the solution for a depressed person.  I know people of faith who have been in a major depressive episode and their faith helped them through it but so did other techniques that they used in their therapy.

Then there is the likes of Gene Simmons who thinks it's smart to tell a person who is suicidal to kill themselves. To just do it.  People like him don't realize that voicing suicidal tendencies and thoughts is a good thing.  It means those people are wanting help, that they need help, that they are seeking help.  The more we talk about it and are open about it, the more we can help those with mental health issues get and seek help.  Not to feel shame.  When a person with as many fans as he has says things like that he is oblivious to the fact that statistically some of his own fans, who pay his bills by buying his s*&t are depressed and suffering.

This week was hard and I still have many emotions swirling through my body but I will survive and keep on helping others who suffer in the same way.  Let's learn from this tragic loss of a man who hid his pain behind his comedy and made us, his fans, laugh, cry and many other things.  Let's help his family by not disparaging him, or them, in his death and give them time to heal.  At the end of the day they lost a loved one who meant the world to them just like your loved ones mean to you.

Mr. Williams you made me laugh, you made me cry, you made my day/night at my old job where I got to see your comedy show live and I will remember you fondly for all you gave when in the worst of your own hell.  May you finally Rest In Peace. ♥

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Forward March

When I look at my dogs and cat I feel such unconditional love.  Even when Puck is breaking into everything and making a mess, or when Oberon is grumpy in his sleep in my bed, I know that they love me.  These little life forms have rescued me many times, even when I have been at my lowest. 

Over the last couple of days my medications have seemed to be leveling out, which is fantastic as I can get back to normal.  For the first time in many days, I went outside for more than a quick dog walk.  I got some Vitamin D in my system and a little walk to clear my head. 

I must say that I have never thought I would ever say that I have missed my job but I have.  I love the people I work with and they make me feel included.  I don't feel like an outsider like I have in so many work situations. 

I know that I have many things to work on and now that I am feeling better mentally and physically, I know I can do it.  I know I can enjoy people, even when it's exhausting.  I know I can enjoy my down time, even when I have a hard time getting there because of many things.  I will fight to win the match against my depression.  If my family can fight cancer, muscular dystrophy and other illnesses so valiantly, then I can fight this.

It's happy picture time.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014


There are some days that I really question if I am not Bi-polar instead of just having Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety.  I have been ill for a month with ruptured ovarian cysts that have caused me to be nauseous and in pain which, at the end of the day, triggered my depression to rear it's ugly head.  It's also terribly scary as ovarian cysts can be so much more that just a fluid filled sac.  It could be cancerous, which it's not, but while waiting on ultrasounds I was not in the best frame of mind.  Over the last week I have woken myself up laughing in my sleep on morning and feeling like I could disappear the next, thus why I wonder some days if I am manic but, per my psychiatrist, this is normal.  I guess that is a relief as the medications I am to take for my current disorders aren't as habit forming as those used to help people with bi-polar disorder. 

I have not felt this depressed in many months, almost a year, and it hurts.  I was doing well and then this month of illness has brought it back.  I honestly just want to be normal, not have this or that disorder/illness, and not feel like I should be pitied.  I want to enjoy going back to my kickboxing and taking on softball for a season.  I want to enjoy losing weight again.  My fears are holding me back and now I am trying to let them go.

I miss my family that I felt needed to be cut out of my life for their negative attitudes.  Why I miss them I don't know as they were causing a lot of my anxiety issues and I felt a big weight off of me once I let them go.  I miss friends that I love dearly but have no idea how to bring back into my life.  I miss the old me.  I know the old me will not be back but I need to find a new me that I love and until I was ill, I thought I had.  I probably still have the new me but just need to feel better to find it again.

I miss having someone to tell my fears to.  I don't share because I know that my friends and family worry and I don't want to do that to them because I know how it paralyzes me.  I think I need to come back here to write again as this is my outlet.  This is where I am free.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Good for the soul

It's been a busy few weeks.  I am seeing my psychiatrist once a week and I am steadily getting better which I am so happy to say.  I still have sleep issues but I think I will always be somewhat of an insomniac, especially without the help of a sleep aid.  I am happy to report that I have been able to go from 7.5mg to 3.75mg of Zopiclone a night.  I am slowly trying to ween myself off of it.  I still have some fleeting suicidal thoughts but they are few and far between. I do still wonder if I have A.D.D. as my attention span lately has been less than stellar.  Lucky for me that is also a side effect of my mental illness ha ha. 

In regard to the DBT workbook I am working on chapters 3, 4 & 5.  I will have to write more about them.  Some of the chapters are harder to write about as they are mostly on mindfulness activities.  I am still looking for a free, downloadable voice program that I can use to record some of the activities as they are extremely hard for me to do without it.

My kitchen is still under construction and it's very overwhelming, especially with an anxiety and depression disorder.  I look at it and try to think of where to start to get the rest of the house looking normal.  Sometimes my brain just shuts down because it's just sooooo overwhelming that I feel like a chicken without it's head.

Lately my frustrations has been my weight and my progress at Weight Watchers.  I recently started working out at the 30 Minute Hit (The Hit) close to where I live and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.  It's also perfect for my A.D.D. mind as it's a circuit and you move from one station to the next every two minutes.  I started this about a month ago and of course, me being me, I was expecting more weight loss on the scales than I have seen.  The first week I gained 0.8 lbs but realized that it probably had to do with the sandwich I ate as I was heading to The Hit after the meeting.  The week after I had a 1.6 lbs loss which I was super stoked about.  Then last week I gained exactly 1.6 lbs, uggg!  I was bummed but then my friends reminded me that my fat is turning to muscle so my body is becoming leaner but the weight isn't shifting off my body just yet.  That will come.  It also had a whole heck of a lot to do with water retention.  What I did notice this week was that I wasn't as bitchy as I normally am around this time.  Granted I was in pain but when I was feeling uber hormonal, which triggers my depression, I went to The Hit and was motivated to feel better.  It's definitely helping in that department.

Now to the humourous part of my week.  Last Sunday I went to a boot-camp held at The Hit and felt a little bad that I wasn't able to do all the exercises the way they were being taught because my body just doesn't move like that just yet.  I honestly thought I hadn't gotten anything out of it.  Then on Monday I tried to sit to pee first thing in the morning and I could barely get there.  I then knew that I had indeed gotten a lot out of the class and much, much more ha ha.  I don't think I could sit properly until Thursday but I still went to The Hit a few times just to keep the muscles from going to stiff. 

As I write this I am watching a show on Investigation Discovery and the author, Susan Mustafa, who is discussing a crime on this particular show looks like Sally Struthers and it has been quite distracting.  In this moment I am pretty sure I just aged myself. 

And with that, I am out :)!