Battle

I haven't written in awhile because I couldn't.  My mental state has been balanced at best and fighting to be normal at worst, over the last month or so.  I think this is true of anyone when dealing with a family crisis that you feel hopeless to help and fix.  I know I am winning the climb up but it's a hard fought battle internally and one that no one really understands as it's my own fight.

My family is hurting at it's core and we must hope that medical science is far enough advanced that we can survive.  We can't rely on one another other than for support and that makes me feel helpless.  I can't just give myself to fix the problem as it's not a simple solution.  It's complex and can't be healed by a mere human such as myself.

I have recently taken a trip to Puerto Vallarta with my husband and it was a great distraction but 10 days later I came home to news that was worse than when I had left.  On top of that my hotel has an outbreak of an illness and I have not been able to visit my family on the off chance I could give it to one of them and at a time like this, that would be terrifying due to what it could potentially do.

At the end of the day I ask you, the few readers I have, to please pray (if that's what you do) or send positive vibes to my family as they need as many of them as you can give.  I ask you all to donate blood if you can as it's free to give and could help a number of people in need.  Please never stop searching for cures of all illnesses as those who die or survive should not have fought without a reason.

Happy New Year 2013

2012 had all the potential to be a good year when it started back on January 1st, 2012.  Unfortunately the year turned out to be a roller coaster ride that I am glad I made it through. 

The hardest part was my mom going into the hospital and her being there, in ICU for so long.  She went into the hospital in March and was finally moved to a Residential Care facility in August.  Although mom and I have never been close in my teen & adult years, I still love her beyond belief.  She is my mom.  This year I visited her a lot more than I have ever but for some that is still not enough.  These people don't understand the complexity of the relationship because they have never really taken the time to.  In the end, my mom is my mom and I love her.  That is all my mom needs to know and everyone else can leave it alone.

Along the way I also lost a couple of friends.  One to cancer which brought home so many different emotions as my nephew has had Leukemia three times and my step mom passed away from esophageal cancer in 2010.  Death is never easy but I dealt with these deaths a lot better than I have in the past.  Which means that I have come a long way from when I was hospitalized for depression back in 2008.  It was heart breaking but not suicide provoking.

Then there was the good.  I turned 35 this year and got to celebrate with some fantastic friends.  My mom is still alive and keeps on fighting to live, which I am so proud of her for.  I celebrated my first wedding anniversary and my husband hasn't made me want to kill him yet ha ha.  I jest that I would ever want to really kill him.  I cleansed some people from my life who were negative and really didn't seem to want to be a part of my life to begin with AND I have a good base of friends whom I know I can rely on at any given time.  I have also started my own Mary Kay Business and started working at the best office I can imagine, at least they have been great so far. 

I have made a couple of resolutions this year:

1) Commit to weight loss and get to the gym (at least once)
2) Enjoy life more than I have
3) More commitment to my Mary Kay Business

2013 promises to be a better year and I want to be there to enjoy it!

Insightful!

Today I Heal

I have so much to say and yet I don't know where to start.  As it snows in my wonderful city I am reminded of the beauty that is life, which a couple of years ago I wouldn't have  been able to see through my depressed eyes.  Now I want to help others through the fog.  Each person has a different path through it but in the end I just want to make sure we all get to the other side.  I also want to help those who love us understand the paid, mentally and physically, that a person with mental illness feels.

A dear friend of mine, T, is dealing with her boyfriend finally acknowledging that he suffers from depression and starting to finally seek help.  This is the first, and most important step, in the healing process.  There is such a stigma against mental illness that no one wants to talk about it but it NEEDS to be discussed.  We, as a society, need to help make it easier for those suffering to come out and admit to their pains.

The second step is, of course, getting into seeing a professional that can help through the regulation of medications and maybe some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).  If you are unaware of what CBT is, please follow the link and read up on it.  CBT played a vital role in my healing process.  It made me get out of the house, if only to walk to the store, instead of laying in bed all day, which is what I really wanted to do.  I have had a number of combinations of medications and it took a while to find the right one for me but my psychiatrist and I have found it. 

Now, a hurdle for a number of people, is the dark days of winter.  Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a mood disorder that even people who do not suffer from depression can experience.  In this situation, Light Therapy is used as the way to heal but it's not always effective.  That being said, I am trying a special alarm clock (The Rise & Shine Natural Wake Up Light) to help me get to sleep and wake up.  I have only been using it a couple of days and I already feel that my sleep patterns are better, which was the last thing I needed help with in regard to my depression & anxiety.  It may not work for everyone but it seems to be doing a good job for me.

As I was explaining to T, it's going to take time to get her boyfriend better but if she is willing to stick through it, she has me as someone she can turn to and talk to.  I am VERY open about my issues and see no shame in it.  I used to but not anymore.   One can also not depend only on their psychiatrist to help, they NEED to put the time in themselves.  I tried naturopathy, which I still believe in, loads of different reading materials and of course my family.  I wasn't stopping until I got better.  I was going to find a way to get better without addictive medications.

Now I am an active member of life.  I still have moments where I need to stay home because I am exhausted from all the people around me but I am getting better with this.  I have a great job, I am still working on my Mary Kay business, I have a great husband and family.  Life is always going to throw curve balls but in November I realized that I could handle it.  I had two friends pass away and it was hard, I cried my ugly cry, but I didn't shut down.  I continued, I lived.

xoxo

Books of interest:

Practicing the Power of Now: Essential Teachings, Meditations, and Exercises From the Power Of Now
Self-Esteem
When Perfect Isn't Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism
Calming Your Anxious Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You From Anxiety, Fear, and Panic
Depressed and Anxious: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety

Another good organization for kids with mental illness

This Web site is dedicated to the memory of Kelty Patrick Dennehy.
The Kelty Patrick Dennehy Foundation's mission is prevention of depression related suicide in young people.
The Foundation has lead many fundraising activities directed at funding research and programs aimed at positively increasing awareness of issues related to depression and young people. To Date, The Foundation has raised over 4.1 MILLION DOLLARS.  *

The Kelty Patrick Dennehy Foundation


*Taken from the foundation website