Tuesday, 28 July 2015


Ever have one of those days where you think that all will work itself out and then poof, those illusions are shattered? Today was that day for me.

For years my mother's immediate family and I have not seen eye to eye and for a time there I had to remove them from my life, for my own sanity and well being. Since my mom is currently in the hospital I thought it might be a good time to reconnect with them. Boy was I wrong and I have learned my lesson where that faction of my family is concerned.  I received a nasty message from one of them essentially telling me to piss off and that they have no interest in reconnecting. I hastily responded with something along the lines of 'I needed to take a break because I knew they were all talking about me (because that is what they do) but that I honestly wished them only the best in their future.' I am surprised that I didn't tell them that it's not like I was ever really a part of the family in the way they treated me but I didn't. Instead I say it here because it's the way it is. This was really drilled home to me when I invited them to Vegas for my 30th. They had all been going to Vegas for my cousins 21st so I thought for sure they would for my 30th...nope I didn't warrant that kind of special treatment. That was when I knew I really wasn't important to them, I was just my mothers daughter. A relation that was there but easy to ignore, so they did and now here we are. A cross roads that has now started to run parallel, not to intersect again.

I know this will hurt for awhile but at least I can say I tried to reconnect and go forward. Now I trudge ahead without them. The downside is that I am well aware that when my mom passes so to will the last thing holding us all together like glue. We will never be the same.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Are you out there?

Lately I have been asked if I was still blogging and it made me realize that there are people out there to read my ramblings.  It was flattering and I felt like I had let myself down too.  I should be writing and I haven't been.  Maybe should is the wrong word but it's so therapeutic when I do that it's something I need to incorporate back into my life.

Life is going full steam ahead and there are days I really wish the train would stop and go back to my 20s.  My 20s were stressful but carefree and fun.  The older I get the more I think I need to be an adult and damn it, I don't want to adult.  I wasn't built to adult.  At 5'0 I am not even the height of the average adult ha ha.

I have been playing softball this year, same as last, and I don't want it to end.  I love the commraderie and trash talking.  It also allows me to smash something,  if I actually connect with the ball, when having a stressful week at the office.  It's also too damn hot to go to my gym in this heat wave.  I would probably pass the feck out.

This year has also been the year to change spiritually.  I had been missing something internally that wasn't being met and it was hollow.  In the past few years I have been going back and forth with myself about whether to go back to church or not.  For those who don't know my grandpa is a retired arch deacon in the Anglican church and was, still is, a man I admire. So back in February I decided to just go.  I have always had a love/hate relationship with organized religion as I was brought up to believe in progress and all I saw, outside of my own family, was hate and contempt.  That was not the church I wantes to attend.  I did research and found an Anglican Church that loves and welcomes EVERYONE.  Just the way I was raised to do.  This is where I knew I belonged.  Many of my friend's aren't of the same faith, or any faith, and that is ok. My faith is personal and I don't push it on anyone. I still like to learn about other religions and cultures.  I can do that without recruiting. I am not my faith but rather my faith is only one part of me.  What going to church also does for me is bring me peace and a feeling of closeness to my grandparents.  That's what is most important to me.

Enough of that now.  I was getting preachy and I only do that when tipsy and on my soap box about equal rights 😆.

I hope you have all had a fantastic Canada Day like I did. For those in the USA, Happy 4th of July.  For those around the globe enjoy whatever ceremony, festival, celebration or run of the mill dat you are having. 

Love me!!!

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Making Rambles

I find myself thinking a lot at this time of year about family and the fact that we can't choose them.  This Christmas it will be 2 years since I have had a conversation with my mom's immediate family.  I chose to remove the negative from my life because it was causing me to go down a depression rabbit hole but it doesn't mean I don't care.  I care too much because I do feel the loss.  This rift has also been an underlying cause for me not to visit my mom as I don't want to run into them and deal with the drama that will ensue.  I have tried to reach out a couple of times without success and think it's time to stop trying.  It seems that not having me around is of no consequence to them and while I have always felt it, this sets it in stone.  This year while I make merry with my loved ones I will miss my mom as I always do but I will stop feeling guilty.   It won't be easy as even thinking of this turmoil makes me cry but it's my goal for the new year.

Sunday, 17 August 2014

The death of Robin Williams

This week we learned of Robin William's passing.  He committed suicide.  For anyone who has suffered from depression understands his battle, we don't know it as it was his battle but we understand it.

I have been affected by his suicide as I have been at that point where I thought about death and dying.  I have dreamt about killing myself and have had intrusive thoughts that haunted me 24 hours a day when I was in the worst throws of my major depressive episode.  This week I have been emotional and as I watched Mrs. Doubtfire yesterday I saw a truly talented man who made many people laugh, cry and everything in between. 

There are many out there that do not understand what depression is and think it's selfish.  It's not.  Let me just tell those people that until you are in the depths of your own hell and your logic tells you that the world is better without you in it, then you don't know what the f*&k you're talking about.

Some have said that a depressed person only needs faith and while I don't disparage anyone their religion that is not the solution for a depressed person.  I know people of faith who have been in a major depressive episode and their faith helped them through it but so did other techniques that they used in their therapy.

Then there is the likes of Gene Simmons who thinks it's smart to tell a person who is suicidal to kill themselves. To just do it.  People like him don't realize that voicing suicidal tendencies and thoughts is a good thing.  It means those people are wanting help, that they need help, that they are seeking help.  The more we talk about it and are open about it, the more we can help those with mental health issues get and seek help.  Not to feel shame.  When a person with as many fans as he has says things like that he is oblivious to the fact that statistically some of his own fans, who pay his bills by buying his s*&t are depressed and suffering.

This week was hard and I still have many emotions swirling through my body but I will survive and keep on helping others who suffer in the same way.  Let's learn from this tragic loss of a man who hid his pain behind his comedy and made us, his fans, laugh, cry and many other things.  Let's help his family by not disparaging him, or them, in his death and give them time to heal.  At the end of the day they lost a loved one who meant the world to them just like your loved ones mean to you.

Mr. Williams you made me laugh, you made me cry, you made my day/night at my old job where I got to see your comedy show live and I will remember you fondly for all you gave when in the worst of your own hell.  May you finally Rest In Peace. ♥

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Forward March

When I look at my dogs and cat I feel such unconditional love.  Even when Puck is breaking into everything and making a mess, or when Oberon is grumpy in his sleep in my bed, I know that they love me.  These little life forms have rescued me many times, even when I have been at my lowest. 

Over the last couple of days my medications have seemed to be leveling out, which is fantastic as I can get back to normal.  For the first time in many days, I went outside for more than a quick dog walk.  I got some Vitamin D in my system and a little walk to clear my head. 

I must say that I have never thought I would ever say that I have missed my job but I have.  I love the people I work with and they make me feel included.  I don't feel like an outsider like I have in so many work situations. 

I know that I have many things to work on and now that I am feeling better mentally and physically, I know I can do it.  I know I can enjoy people, even when it's exhausting.  I know I can enjoy my down time, even when I have a hard time getting there because of many things.  I will fight to win the match against my depression.  If my family can fight cancer, muscular dystrophy and other illnesses so valiantly, then I can fight this.

It's happy picture time.